this is a document

This is a document I am writing. The base font for this document is Helvetica for some reason and I feel for a variety of reasons like I am writing this in third grade in the computer lab. The keyboard feels the same, for one; it makes the same light tapping sound, a somewhat soothing click. The font on the screen, simplecultish Helvetica — not Arial, which is the same font, but HELVETICA — is like the font that used to be the base text style on those big, round, ladybug-looking iMacs that they used to use in MPS computer labs that we used to play Sim City or Amazon Trail on during computer class while we learned what the “Feeling lucky?” button meant on Google.

I am typing this on an iPad, yes, typing, because I bought one of those wireless Bluetooth keyboards that they manufacture so that people can use word processing software on an iPad. I had been led to believe that Microsoft Word made an iPad app, which is, now that I think about it, probably a really good idea and some designer or developer or executive or other at Microsoft should probably get to work on that. Instead I have a different but perfectly serviceable word processing app that is able to save files into the .doc and .docx format — though .doc is really the only one I’ll ever need, or anyone, because .docx is frowned upon in suitably civilized digital society — but the only drawback is that it uses Helvetica as a base font, maybe to appeal to the Apple crowd who buys these types of gadgets (I didn’t buy mine) but not to me, no sir. I prefer good old fashioned dignified Times New Roman, but alas it is just too much work to keep changing the font before every single document, this being the second of which I’ve ever typed on this newfangled technological wizardry, so I guess I’ll just be stuck with Helvetica.

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my creative impulses

Start to
write your novel
Scrap it
Write
a poem instead
because it is
shorter

untitled poem #1

My body feels backwards
I turn my neck and my chest snaps instead
As if opening a crack to some child
Curious to peer at my guts
And dig around a little
Through my innards to find some
Plaything

But my spine swivels silent
Well-lubricated I suppose
And this pain in my back
Must be heartache instead

Which is something I hadn’t thought of
Til now

fiction: The Editor

note: from a larger work. no additional context because i’m lazy. oh it involves zombies as a metaphor for digital culture. anyway:

Berry was not a young person. He liked to think he never had been, an idea which Malick found so enjoyably laughable as to become endearing. He was a thirty-three-year-old man with a former wife and the expectation of childbirth which, at this point, still hung about him like a ring of smog, polluting him; he at one point had a life and a career, an apartment, responsibilities, people and things who relied upon him, a mindset of a boss and a servant and a partner all at once, a college dropout who had made good on nothing and who attributed his success to constant worrying, an innately adult capacity he found invisible in the world both before and after the Event, and really in no different magnitudes in either situation. He lamented the loss of those responsibilities in the echoing stillness of the world as he saw it laid before the school’s rooftop, his bird’s-eye view illuminating a skeletal bareness that seemed as much an extension of his own lamentable psyche as it did the reality of doom, and was begging for correction.

He had been an editor before. He had an attitude of strictness that served him well in the field of Copy Editing, and as such had been hired by a media website to pore over the work of sloppy writers who cared less about structure than they did about ramshackle inspiration or some vague idea of disheveled romance, an idea that Berry, who considered himself their superior in every way – especially in the sense of being the Boss, the Mess Cleaner-Upper, who swooped in, tunic billowing, to assail them on correctness and make the slick, invisible changes that he understood drove them to apoplectic spasm and that he also understood they were dismayed and internally demoralized to comprehend they could do absolutely nothing about – thoroughly loathed. He once read a comic book as a kid called Damage Control, in which a group of government agents swooped in and cleaned up the mess left by superheroes after their apocalyptic battles against whatever villain had threatened whatever large mass of people with certain death, and in his editorial capacity – a side job while he worked as a warehouse foreman at a local furniture company, maintaining rational structural and civil order with both his merchandise and his employees – he considered himself to be a Damage Control agentof a sort, restoring the order necessary for the heroic action the writers found in their language to contain meaning, of any kind, in the first place. He sometimes in daydream states he rarely allowed himself the brief moment to enjoy wondered whether the Damage Control team made any adjustments of their own, whether those superheroes whose job it was to create order had left such glaring mistakes behind or were emblematic of such a flagrant error in social order that Damage Control made the decision to overwrite them, to not only maintain a sense of invisible status quo but to further righteously invent a new one, to improve upon the work of those who took the immediate credit silently, behind the scenes, the only reward for their studious work being the knowledge of their influence on a newly-minted society. In many ways he found himself more important than the sloppy writers he corrected; he could supersede them in every capacity, omit entire sequences of words, render invisible forever a point central to the original thesis of a text he had complete control over, one with no actual ontological imprint on reality, but a text file he could mold whatever way he saw fit and destroy instantaneously if he so chose. Superheroes, in their own worlds, had no disassociation with ontology, but Damage Control could remake the real world however they wanted it just to see it torn down again, but how else would they be able to reprogram it again? The world to Damage Control must have been like a computer program, with different versions and subversions and revisions and patches all in the name of Improvement. Berry felt kinship with them. Quietly, he was a dictator, and a mean one.

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ESSAY: THIS IS A DOCUMENT

This is a document I am writing. The base font for this document is Helvetica for some reason and I feel for a variety of reasons like I am writing this in third grade in the computer lab. The keyboard feels the same, for one; it makes the same sound. The font on the screen, simple cultish Helvetica — not Arial, which is the same font, but HELVETICA — is like the font that used to be the base text style on those big, round, ladybug-looking iMacs that they used to use in MPS computer labs that we used to play Sim City or Amazon Trail on during computer class while we learned what the “Feeling lucky?” button meant on Google. It would be years later before we learned not to click that button while searching for “lemon party.” Life was much more innocent then.

I am typing this on an iPad, yes, typing, because I bought one of those wireless Bluetooth keyboards that they manufacture so that people can use word processing software on an iPad. I had been led to believe that Microsoft Word made an iPad app, which is, now that I think about it, probably a really good idea and some designer or developer or executive or other at Microsoft should probably get to work on that. Instead I have a different but perfectly serviceable word processing app that is able to save files into the .doc and .docx format — though .doc is really the only one I’ll ever need, or anyone, because .docx is frowned upon in suitably civilized digital society — but the only drawback is that it uses Helvetica as a base font, maybe to appeal to the Apple crowd who buys these types of gadgets (I didn’t buy mine) but not to me, no sir. I prefer good old fashioned dignified Times New Roman, but alas it is just too much work to keep changing the font before every single document, this being the second of which I’ve ever typed on this newfangled technological wizardry, so I guess I’ll just be stuck with Helvetica.

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THOUGHTS ON THE RENAISSANCE OF NOISE AND AN INCOMPLETE RUNDOWN OF THE GREAT ROCK ALBUMS OF 2012 (SO FAR)

2012 appears to be the year rock music made a comeback. Not at the popular level, of course; fun. (a band Rolling Stone claimed would lead the inevitable rock resurgence) is a band so steeped in balladry, pop schmaltz, and outragerously excessive musical theater that they can hardly be called rock and roll in spite of their guitarist and drummer and the basic fact that they are a Band, and Green Day basically had a nervous breakdown (Billie Joe anyway) because people aren’t really interested in them anymore, even if they were granted a prime slot at a major festival. (New blog post idea: there are too many Major Festivals.)

No, where rock is making a comeback is in the underground, in the small-ass CBGB-like clubs that used to be the cathedrals of the alternative rock movement, where Sub Pop, Spin, and XL-signed bands play before packed houses of at most 200 people. There, rock music is thriving in ways it hasn’t seen since the late 1980s; uncorrupted by corporatism it is allowed to blossom, diverging into a thousand different musical idioms.

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Hank Hill (at Cactus Club)

Hank Hill (at Cactus Club)

ALIVE IN DEATH

THE RETURN OF SOUNDGARDEN

Soundgarden was the best grunge band. They were wild, psychedelic, heavy, sexual, bohemian – all the qualities that helped to define a genre of music without a genre. After all, what is grunge? Is it a genre at all? There is no sound that links the likes of Nirvana, with its self-deprecating, Pixies-aping post-punk, with the likes of Pearl Jam, pulling riffs from Neil Young and the Who, with the impossibly low, dirty shrieks of Hole, with the driving blues metal of Alice in Chains. Is it just a catch-all term for a group of young assholes from the Pacific Northwest who successfully congealed a sound that had been developed over the seven or eight years prior to their breakthrough? Is it a recording style, with that deep hammer of a snare drum that seems impossible to recapture?

All questions that have been asked before, and many times. But if Soundgarden could have been considered a grunge band, they were the best. I say “was” and “were” because if there’s one thing we absolutely can be certain of, it’s that for whatever grunge was and whoever comprised the movement, grunge doesn’t exist anymore – which is perhaps the best argument against the idea that it’s a genre of music. Grunge can’t exist anymore. We have to refer to it in the past tense. Soundgarden has ceased to be grunge.

The release of their newest album, King Animal, comes 16 years after the release of their last, 1996’s Down on the Upside. It also just so happens to have been released into a wave of 1990s nostalgia that makes the Baby Boomer self-absorption of the last decade look like child’s play – Nickelodeon shows like All That have seen new life on television (and, bizarrely, Figure It Out actually got picked up for a new season) and a litany of old 90s stalwarts have attempted to reintegrate themselves into a dramatically different music scene in the last year alone – Garbage, Dinosaur Jr., Guided By Voices (with three different albums!), Swans (whose comeback actually started last year), Redd Kross. The risk that King Animal runs is that it will become a part of the new Nostalgia Circuit, tossed about by various Gen Xers as a curio of the past, a relic they’ll use to evade middle age. Its challenge is to be taken seriously as a work of art. I’m not certain it succeeds.

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On the internet and “criticism”

Michael Kaiser, the president of Washington D.C.’s renowned John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, wrote an article today for the Huffington Post in which he decries the prevailing availability (and encouragement) of amateurist criticism on the internet. The age of the blog, it seems, has co-opted professional critics to the point where they are being pushed out of a job, and the opinions of said critics are rapidly being eschewed by the public in favor of an unprofessional lot of bloggers and pseudo-journalists with a casual interest but not a professional interest in whatever art form they encounter. He is specifically referring to theater criticism, referencing many Broadway-centric blogs of which I wasn’t even aware, but it’s easy to extrapolate his point to other blogs — Gorilla vs. Bear, Slashfilm, Pitchfork, and others, the combination gossip/news/review sites that dot the internet, and realistically have since its inception. The internet is, after all, a media of opinion.

As he puts it, “arts criticism has become a participatory activity rather than a spectator sport.”

  • Every artist, producer or arts organization used to wait for a handful of reviews to determine the critical response to a particular project. And while very few critics for a small set of news outlets still wield great power to make or break a project (usually a for-profit theater project which runs longer and therefore needs to sell far more tickets than any other arts project), a larger portion of arts projects have become somewhat immune to the opinions of any one journalist.

While Kaiser’s point is well-made and cogent — and he actually cites examples, though nothing textual — it ultimately amounts to little more than an attitude of sheltered generational protectionism, which I suppose is his prerogative. It’s an attitude born of the same sympathies and fears with which the recent concern for the death of the newspaper industry has been cultivated, and while it’s true the system of criticism as it has existed for more than a century is being threatened, its “death,” as Kaiser so fear-mongeringly puts it, is being far overstated.

Call it Ivory Tower Syndrome. Kaiser, as the president of one of the most upper-echelon, aristocratic arts organizations in the entire country (if not the world) has a certain universe to protect, one to which he and very few others are privy. Like the New York Times, the Kennedy Center is one of the guiding lights, in theory and principle, of the American media landscape, and only Carnegie Hall (a much older facility) ranks above it in terms of prestige, which unfortunately means that Kaiser’s ivory tower, well, towers over most others. That’s not to say the opinion is his alone, nor that it only exists within the walls of his confine of prestige, but Kaiser’s affluent protection of the idea of an aristocratic style of criticism, one in which the opinions of art (if not the art itself) are reserved only for a brand of elite America, is outdated enough that modernity and change could punch him in the teeth and he would refuse to acknowledge its existence. He’d probably blame ghosts.

To begin with, we have to get to the heart of what constitutes “criticism” and what consititutes “review.” There’s a big difference, one that can sometimes be difficult to define. The determination of whether an art form is good or bad based on a set of objective rules, guidelines and circumstances can fall in either category. But a critical appraisal is a little more deep than that, and requires vexed, complex, knowledgeable, and introspective analysis of the art. It’s the difference between the lengthy and marvelous Film Crit Hulk blog — it’s exactly what it sounds like — and Talkin’ Broadway, which Kaiser himself references in his post, which is apparently based on reader submissions like this one, an off-Broadway review of a play called Milk Like Sugar.

  • Malik is into telescopes, which he uses to look into the sky at the planes he’s positive are full of people staring down at him in disapproval, but that he’s sure will be his ticket out of his ghettoized existence? Huh?

The problem that Kaiser and other media doom-sayers have with the prevalence of criticism blogs is with their sheer enormity, but that’s the wrong angle to take. As Kaiser puts it, “the growing influence of blogs, chat rooms and message boards devoted to the arts has given the local professional critic a slew of competitors.” “Slew” is a bit of an understatement, no? More like millions, Michael Kaiser, MILLIONS. But if there is a problem with the massive abundance of competitors to the throne of arts criticism, it’s not with the number by itself, it’s with the fact that their lack of art education and serious, institutionalized studies leave them incapable of the sort of in-depth analysis that a professional, theoretically, understands. In the case of cinema, they know nothing of mise-en-scene, line, technology, or, like Milk Like Sugar’s reviewer above, fail to actually probe what something means and discard it without understanding it because they don’t understand it. That’s the real virulence that is infecting arts criticism; not the abundance of it, the vacuousness of it. It’s certainly not aided by abundance, but as Kaiser rightfully points out:

  • Younger people get virtually all of their information online, through news web sites, social media and chat rooms. And older people are increasingly getting their information online as well.

People aren’t drawn to internet criticism because there’s just so much content available to them; people are drawn to the internet because it’s the internet. The fundamental mistake that Kaiser and other print doom-sayers make is the assumption that the newspaper industry can’t survive without paper, which is flagrantly false. If the New York Times were to figure out a way to systemically reduce the number of its print issues, merge most of its content to the internet, and find ways to make both subscription fees and advertising expenses coexist nicely in paying for its online content, it would be wildly successful. If people aren’t reading print, stop printing. That doesn’t mean that your content must suffer, of course; it’s just taking the form of a new medium. Simple concept.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF PITCHFORK

The problem, ultimately, is the lact of proactivity. Long before most people had thought seriously about the threat the internet represents to print media, a small website had sprouted up in 1995, launched by a teenager named Ryan Schreiber in the belly of his mother’s basement. Schreiber had a fierce interest in music, especially artists signed to independent labels, which he felt the mainstream media — magazines like Rolling Stone especially — were ignoring in favor of larger recording artists. The internet (as a public entity) was just four years old at the time, and now-retro-glamourous content publisher Geocities, a relic in internet terms, had launched only the year before. Advertising was impossible to figure out; even the modern internet can’t quite determine how to effectively disseminate its ad content in the post-popup world. But in spite of all of that, in spite of the youngness of the medium and the confused disorder that prevailed, Schreiber launched Pitchfork.com anyway, just a shitty teen with a hobby.

Pitchfork (Media) is now one of the most influential music publications in the world, akin to Rolling Stone in its late-60s era of self-discovery. It profiles heavy-duty major-label rappers like Drake and Kanye West alongside unknown indie quantities like Perfume Genius, in a lot of cases — just ask Lana Del Rey — helping launch careers in the process. It sponsors a yearly music festival in both Chicago and Paris, and has significant presence at every other major United States music festival. And its ratings — on a scale from 0 to 10, often hilariously, exaggeratedly swung one way or the other — can come to define an artist’s career, often out of political intent on the part of the publication. Pitchfork’s famous 10.0 for Kanye’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy shot through the internet like a cannon blast, and certainly provided a publicity boost for what’s now come to be known as a magnum opus. Which was part of the point.

Pitchfork is both influential and insanely profitable, which is helped in large part by the fact that the number of its salaried employees is actually quite small. Pitchfork is almost entirely supported by freelance work, writers who put in hours worth of effort on reviews that push 1000 words to not get much out of it at all. The fact is, however, that these writers are willing to put in all the work for not much pay, and their content is distributed to a massive amount of eyes. Pitchfork, in short, is driven as much by passion (as well as the desire to be a part of the Cult of Pitchfork, which is another subject) as much by sound and cogent business decisions. But what draws people to Pitchfork in enough numbers to support a website that has so little ad content that it’s actually quite baffling? Why has Pitchfork become so influential? The answer, I think, lies in a surprising source: Roger Ebert.

The visage of Roger Ebert, noted film critic, historian, scholar, and schlup, has never struck many people with an air of media keenness or technological savvy, but few human beings have adapted to the changing face of media as well as Ebert has, and nobody — absolutely nobody — has carried a comparable foresight into its development. With his famous partner Gene Siskel — together representing the two sides to the Chicago newspaper coin, Tribune and Sun-Times — Ebert launched the long-lived television series Sneak Previews in 1975, appearing on the show until 1982, when its fabulous success resulted in the still-airing At the Movies. Sneak Previews began as once-monthly local Chicago operation before expanding to a national audience, airing biweekly, then, eventually, every seven days. It was also, surprisingly, the highest-rated entertainment show in the history of Public Broadcasting.

The leap from paper to television was at that point a risky one, especially for something like film criticism, which had earned its legacy in philosophical texts, history publications, newspapers, and magazines like Cahiers du Cinema. But Siskel and Ebert’s experiment paid off, the two of them eventually becoming the godfathers of modern film criticism. It was not (and, in some circles, still isn’t) a popular medium among the old guard, who felt the thumbs-up/thumbs-down method of critique was oversimplistic and cheapened a complex art (an argument that ignores the three-minute, intelligent, often famously divisive discussions the two carried prior to each final judgment), but Ebert’s foray into the then-new world of television was a resounding triumph. It’s only now, in the age of computers, that At the Movies — which Ebert, due to his cancer troubles, no longer hosts — is being seriously threatened with extinction. But Roger Ebert is a brilliant man.

A few year ago, the still-ugly website of his underwent a bit of a renovation. It had been years since Ebert had begun focusing his attention more and more on his internet content, launching his ever popular Great Movies series of essays — real theoretical essays, not judgments — but his struggles with cancer left him bedridden and reclusive. It was then that he contracted his web editor, Jim Emerson, to begin taking over more and more online content, while he investigated the fabulous new world of the blog — something Pitchfork is still considered, and certainly could have been from the start — which began to take a more and more prominent role in his web presence, as did his growing following on Twitter and Facebook. Emerson himself is a brilliant film critic with a tremendous blog, which features long-form, incredibly specific film analysis, itself a part of Ebert’s website. It’s arguable now, with his jaw surgically removed during his cancer treatment, that Ebert has a more profound and omnipresent impact on American culture than he did when he was a distinctive weekly voice on PBS that had so firmly infected American culture that he himself was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, one he didn’t get because of his newspaper reviews or his work as screenwriter for a cult classic.

It’s not a coincidence that Ebert’s website has become the preeminent internet source for film while Pitchfork has become one of the two or three most important music publications in the world, so much so that founder Ryan Schreiber was once nominated as a finalist for the Time 100, a list of the world’s most influential people. It has to do with content. Roger Ebert’s ascension to internet superstar directly correlated with his website’s newfound emphasis on diversity of content (along with an element of sympathy for his failing health), and there’s not a website on Earth that has a more diverse lineup of content than Pitchfork — with ongoing features like Pitchfork.tv (a video series), interviews, Guest Lists, Why We Fight, and its recently-launched Kill Screen, a video game blog. And while Michael Kaiser might not refer to Roger Ebert with the same lamenting crowdsource disdain with which he refers to small-time Broadway review blogs nobody’s heard of, there’s no question that Pitchfork, which operates (unlike fellow media-driving site The AV Club) without any print presence at all, falls under the parameters of Kaiser’s criticism obituary.

But Pitchfork does engage in criticism, not the wearying, edifice-obsessed value judgments of Peter Travers or the film critic for Podunk Newspaper X. Whether you agree with their determinations is ultimately irrelevant. Pitchfork manages to be a web publication that shatters both of the online trepidations that color Kaiser’s death sentence for real criticism — it is not uneducated, and it manages to be smart and profitable in the same breath that it rebukes the print medium. It is simultaneously a competitor to professional criticism (like the AV Club) and a culture-shifting professional force. In doing so it laid the foundation for how quote-unquote “real” arts criticism — university-educated, elitist, secluded — can survive in an era that it thinks has destroyed its natural habitat once and for all. Just look at Roger Ebert’s gloriously diverse website, which lacks only video content. The key to survival is to emulate not the tradition of the newspaper, but the tradition of the magazine instead — but with far more constantly updated content that surpasses even the ability of the once-daily broadsheets.

If the death of real criticism does occur, it will be only because the ivory-towered cultural and media elite fail to see the path to their own salvation, and fail to adapt to the very idea a shifting media culture that’s been in constant motion since the 1950s, allowing the truly stupid critical community to fill the void they leave. If people like Kaiser see the end of print as the end of arts and news media (disregarding the fact that punk zines are absolutely flourishing right now, another subject that 1000 words could be spent on) then the burder of its death will be on them, because they failed to see just how easily it could be saved. But the beauty of media is that young people can be rather intelligent, and maybe a changing of the guard might be in order.

brief thoughts: the ways museums hide history

The Milwaukee Public Museum is currently running a special traveling exhibit on Cleopatra, which I write about here, a rather jaw-dropping bit of history that features a clutter of statues, busts, artifacts, tools, and even money that decorated the Egyptian palaces during Cleopatra’s reign. I personally had the pleasure, because I was the only media member at the museum’s preview day last Thursday who seemed interested in the subject (in actuality I was enthralled, which was unnerving in comparison to the pretty, vacant, generically blonde reporter Fox 6 had sent, whose empty uninterested responses of, “Oh,” every time an immeasurably important historical idiosyncrasy was explained to her by one of the archaeologists who discovered the treasures made my blood curl), of being led around the exhibit by Sophie Lalbat of the Institut Européen d’ Archéologie Sous-Marine, an incredibly kind, gentle French lady in her 60s or 70s, almost as my own personal tour guide.

What she and her partner Franck Goddio, who led the expedition that recovered the artifacts, explained to me about the bits of historical paraphernalia was resoundingly fascinating. My interests in history are generally surrounding the ways in which modern society does or doesn’t incorporate historical trend into cultural thought, specifically the ways we often totally ignore flagrantly obvious lessons — hey, maybe deregulating subprime lending isn’t such a good idea — to advance an ideology that would otherwise be proven insolvent. There’s also the idea of myth, which fascinates me because of the ways in which it’s often more valuable than history itself. Jack the Ripper, for instance, has had an immense cultural impact not because of his crimes but because of the reaction to and mythologization of his crimes — which themselves  very few people can describe — which continues to this day. De Palma’s Black Dahlia, for instance, might as well have been about Jack the Ripper. (Maybe it would have been better if the culprit in that movie was actually the Ripper himself, because fucking A that movie sucks.)

Archaeology has always been my weak point. I fucking love archaeology. Fucking dinosaurs. Fucking ancient cultures. Fucking bones and mummies and shit like that. Fucking probably some ancient alien craft that they’re not showing us. And considering the level to which Cleopatra is held as a mythological being, not just by modern society but by the Romans, who immediately took steps upon her death to outright lie about her life in order to construct a contemporary-turned-historical narrative that was both sexy and politically tangible — and also the basic ways in which Egypt is fucking cool as hell — make the Cleopatra exhibit rather exhilarating for me. It’s essentially impossible for me to not think it’s really, really cool.

But the amazingly interesting — and troubling — thing about the Cleopatra exhibit is all the ways in which it hides the reasons it’s so interesting. On the surface, the idea of walking within a foot of something that Cleopatra herself may have touched on a daily basis is amazing, and most of the art is beautiful even though the ocean under which it’s been buried for centuries has somewhat eroded a great deal of its detail. But there’s a lot more historical nuance to why these pieces are so important, and very little of that nuance is communicated through an exhibit that spends a lot more of its energy on looking really beautiful than intellectually engaging with its patrons.

Take the example of a naos — a relatively small ancient Egyptian shrine — that’s tucked in the corner of the exhibit just about as soon as you walk in. It’s a three-walled, pinnacled stone chamber into which an effigy or an offering was placed for worship, which is cool and everything. Maybe they sacrificed animals in there. Here’s what the placard at the foot of the naos has to say about it:

Putting the Naos Together

The Naos of the Decades [very Indiana Jones — ed.] s the only known record of this version of the Egyption creation myth. It was smashed to pieces by early Christians. In 1817, the Louvre in Paris acquired the top section. The partial story it told aroused the curiosity of Egyptologists.

Then, in 1940, most of the base and rear wall were discovered in the Bay of Alexandria. Finally, in 1999, Franck Goddio found the missing pieces in the Bay of Aboukir.

The first thing that strikes me is that you don’t know what the fuck it’s talking about when it mentions “this version of the Egyptian creation myth.” What it means when it says that is that there’s a long section — on the outer left wall — that recounts the creation of the world to worshippers. But nobody at this exhibit will know A) where the hell it is, or B) what the hell it says, because nobody can read the damn heiroglyphs. Also, what Egyptologists? Whom?

Here’s what Franck Goddio told me in my short interview, word for word, about the “Naos of the Decades”:

Engraved on the walls of that naos is a calendar, and it’s considered the first astrological calendar in the world. That piece has been reconstructed from different pieces; this one was found in the 18th Century on land in 1776. We discovered the wall face, the base was discovered in the 1930s, this one in 1776, and the remaining was discovered by us. A kind of fascinating puzzle. [Jean-Francois] Champollion himself studied that piece and could not interpret it because there was too much missing. And we found that missing part, and on that part we had the surprise to discover text which is the creation of the world according to the Egyptians. That text was known to exist but had never been read before.

I took the liberty of bolding and italicizing as I saw fit, because that placard leaves off not only some incredibly interesting bits of historical trivia, but some incredibly important bits of historical trivia. The oldest astrological calendar known to man is sitting a few feet away from the patron and he’s wholly unaware of it. Jean-Francois Champollion is the man who TRANSLATED THE ROSETTA STONE, and he studied the top of the naos in detail and couldn’t figure out what it said.And the bit about finding an artifact the existence of which had been recorded by Greek historians, while not particularly important, is almost unfathomably cool. So why don’t we deserve to know?

It strikes me that this must happen all the time in museums everywhere, and it’s something I’m not exactly comfortable with. The inner critic in me, the one wary of the ways in which we’re unable to culturally contextualize the past into modern society, goes crazy when I encounter this. One could write a book — hell, maybe I should — with chapters comprising nothing but the history behind important artifacts at world-renowned museums. And what those places are hiding from us.